As I was adding old journal
entries these are the ones that stood out to me. The first and the next to last are
serious, the others are funny, or at least, they are meant to be funny.
----------------------------------------------
May 25, 2011
A Quiet Walk . . .
I went for a walk at lunch today. I circled the building a half dozen times. It was already warm, so the cicadas had tuned up and begun to sing. I noticed that some trees have more cicadas than others. Some cicadas seemed isolated. When they are by themselves they sound more like the trill of the aliens in the movie Signs than anything else I can think of.
I heard a dozen different bird calls and kept looking for the birds. Finally, I spotted a mocking bird on top of a light pole. It seemed all the songs were made by him. I'm not sure whether I saw the same mocking bird six different times, on different light poles, and once in a tree, or several different mocking birds, but they, or he, seemed determined to keep me entertained.
The sound of the interstate is a distant roar from the southern part of my walk but barely audible from the northern part. I heard car doors thumping closed several times. Once someone's car gave an obedient chirp as it locked the doors. I noted that different models of cars have very different motor sounds as they idled slowly by me. A Volkswagen's high pitched whine was answered by the throaty diesel of a Mercedes. A truck across at the food bank played a snare drum as it throttled down to turn in.
Two ladies greeted each other from three car lengths apart as they walked in opposite directions. They stopped for a minute, still distant from one another, but at the closest point in their paths, to "catch up" in a loud and lively conversation punctuated by cheerful laughter.
The wind would sometimes create a moan in my ears as it tried different speeds and directions experimenting to see what tones it could make, like a boy blowing on a pop bottle top. There were a few dried leaves blown about by the wind. The sound of a dry magnolia leaf skittering in the wind across the pavement is quite different than the higher pitch of a smaller, less stiff, less thick, leaf of some other tree.
The flags flapped in the breeze and occasionally the metal couplings holding the flags to the ropes made the poles ring like bells. I listened for it, but the ropes were not tight enough to slap the poles with an audible sound.
I heard the clopping of a woman's, too high, high heels across the concrete. I listened to see if I could hear my own footsteps. Yes, I could. Barely, but I could hear them. There they were, following me everywhere I went, providing a steady beat, to combine the other sounds into a symphony.
Thank you, God, for the nice relaxing music.
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Monday, April 6, 2009
Ideas for Items to sell on E-Bay. Each item comes with a certificate of authenticity worth slightly less than the paper it is printed on.
ACCIDENT INSURANCE
If you buy this I will promise to be very sympathetic
if you have an accident. (Unless you did something really stupid, in which
case, I will be sympathetic as soon as I stop laughing.)
ALIEN ABDUCTION INSURANCE
If aliens abduct you I promise to believe you. Really.
BAD IDEA DISPOSAL
Send me your bad ideas via e-mail and I promise not to read them. For an extra
fee I will not read them mulitple times.
DISAPPEARANCE INSURANCE
If you disappear, I promise I'll miss you terribly.
(Or at least, I'll miss the premiums terribly.)
EXTRA AIR FOR YOU
I'll hold my breath for one minute giving you a little extra air.
FEARS AND WORRIES
My counselor has urged me to give up my fears and
worries. I have treasured them far too long to give them up that easily. I've
decided to sell them here instead of just wasting them. Specify the fear and/or
worry you would like to buy. (If I do not have them I will pretend to.)
FRONT ROW TICKETS TO VIEW RETURN OF HALLEY'S COMET IN 2062
With these tickets, I promise I will do nothing to
prevent you from going anywhere you like to view the comet.
HAUNTING INSURANCE
If you buy this I will promise not to visit you after
I die.
IMAGINARY FRIEND
We are trying to get our child to give up the notion
that he has an imaginary friend. He has agreed to sell him here. Please bid.
IMAGINARY GENEALOGY
Are you tired of your snobbish friends talking about their heritage? We'll make
up an authentic looking genealogy for your going back to your choice of famous
historical figure. Give us a list of your real ancestors as far as you know
them, and we'll fictionalize the rest. We charge according to the number of
generations required.
MADE TO ORDER IMAGINARY FRIEND
Are you, or someone you know, lonely? We will mail an imaginary friend to you
based on the criteria you give us. Specify any requirements at all as long as
they are unreal and unrealistic.
MURDER INSURANCE
If you buy this I will promise not to kill anyone on
purpose, especially you.
NON-EXISTENT EXERCISE HABITS
My doctor has urged me to give up my poor exercise
habits. I have treasured them far too long to give them up that easily. I've
decided to sell them here instead of just wasting them. Specify which exercise
you do not want to do, and how often you plan not to do it.
NOTHING
Trying to simplify your life? Buy this and we will
send you nothing at all. For a limited time we are offering subscriptions where
we will send you nothing at all every day for the rest of our lives. Limit one
subscription per household.
PAIR OF CARRIER PIGEONS
Yes, we know they are extinct, but, if you will buy these anyway, we will send
you a certificate authenticating that you would own a pair, if any actually
existed. (You may substitute dodo birds, saber tooth tigers, dinosaurs, or any
other extinct species you care to name.)
A PLACE IN MY DREAMS
Research has shown that the images you see right before you fall asleep are
most likely to be a part of your dreams. If you buy a place in my dreams you
may send me a picture of your face. (No body shots please! I don't want
nightmares.) I promise I will look at your picture right before I fall asleep.
If I happen to remember the dream, I'll tell you about it, for a slight
surcharge.
PLANET FOR SALE
After my recent alien abduction they admitted to me that they had mistakenly
kidnapped the wrong person. I sued them before the Galactic civil magistrates
and they settled out of court by giving me title to a plantet
in the Greater Magellanic Cloud.
http://www.astr.ua.edu/gifimages/lmc_smc.html If you
buy it I will provide you with the planet deed, surface map, description, and
coordinates relative to the cloud core.
POOR EATING HABITS
My doctor has urged me to give up my poor eating
habits. I have treasured them far too long to give them up that easily. I've
decided to sell them here instead of just wasting them. Specify the foods you
intend to over eat.
PRIVACY INSURANCE
If you buy this I will promise not to look. (Even if I
hear sounds)
PROPERTY INSURANCE
If you buy this I will promise not to take anything of
yours. (Over and above the purchase price, of course.)
ROUND TRIP TICKETS TO ALPHA CENTAURI
After my recent alien abduction they admitted to me that they had mistakenly
kidnapped the wrong person. I sued them before the Galactic civil magistrates
and they settled out of court by giving me a dozen round trip tickets on their
regularly scheduled intersteller passenger liner to
Alpha Centauri.
http://homepage.sunrise.ch/homepage/schatzer/Alpha-Centauri.html Each ticket comes with schedule, description of
accommodations, and directions on preparing yourself for cryogenic sleep.
SEAT ON THE RESCUE SHIP
When aliens come to rescue us from the coming world wide destruction, if the lottery for places on the
outgoing ships awards me a place instead of you, I will give you my seat if you
will pre-buy it now.
SITTING SERVICE FOR IMAGINARY FRIENDS
Does your child have an annoying imaginary friend that ruins family outings and
other social occasions? Send the friend to us, via e-mail, with any special
care instructions. For an extra fee we will “accidentally” lose the
friend so that you will not be bothered by them again.
SLAVE STONES
You have heard of Pet Rocks? Well, we have Slave
Stones. These genuine Tennessee pebbles are much more intelligent than Pet
Rocks. They will do anything they are instructed to do (as long as it is not
illegal and is within the ability of a rock to do.) "Sit" or
"Stay" for instance. Our talented and educated Slave Stones are
available in your choice of color as long as we have that color paint.
TIME TRAVEL TICKETS
Would you like to be able to travel in time? I am
thinking about possibly considering beginning to take the time to research
building a time machine. If I actually get around to it, and am successful,
holders of tickets will get the first rides. Specify date of destination you
prefer. Only one pair of tickets will be sold per date.
TRAUMATIC MEMORY DISPOSAL
Describe your traumatic memories to us via e-mail and we promise to forget
them.
WEIGHT CONTROL
Having trouble with your diet? Buy this item, and at
my next meal I will eat an extra helping, which will leave less food in the
world to tempt you.
WRONG NUMBER INSURANCE
I promise not to dial your phone number by accident. If I do, you are entitled
to a full refund.
-----------------------------------
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Pronoun Meltdown I was strongly urged to post this here.
[My wife to Thor
at work] 2/26/2009 8:19 AM >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I think I shall clean the house real good for Saturday's get
together this morning and work on LBS this afternoon.
[Thor to my
wife] 2/26/2009 9:14 AM >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Your plan has been reviewed in detail by a committee
consisting of me, myself, and I. There was a good bit
of contention and discussion on several points, but in the end we came to
agreement. Your plan has been approved by a voice vote. One of the three
abstained, but since it was a voice vote I am not at liberty to reveal his
identity. Minutes of the meeting are available on request. You are hereby
authorized to proceed.
[My wife to
Thor] 2/26/2009 10:10 AM >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You are in a fix if I demand minutes! Ha
[Thor to my
wife] 2/26/2009 10:39 AM >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Meeting Minutes of Me, Myself and I - February 26, 2009
Note: It was impossible to assign the comments to the
speakers by name, because all three of them have voices that sound exactly
alike.
The wife sent an e-mail, and has proposed a plan for the
day.
What is that?
It is when you outline the things you are thinking about
doing for some period of time in the future.
I know that! What is the plan she is proposing?
She said, "I think I shall clean the house real good
for Saturday's get together this morning and work on LBS this afternoon."
Not I! I am not driving all the way home for that.
She means herself.
Then why doesn't she say so?
She did.
What house does she mean? We live in an apartment.
She means the apartment.
How do you know? Maybe she means she is going to the
daughter's and cleaning her house.
She could mean the cabin down the country.
No, she would say “cabin” if she meant that.
How do you know? She might have said house when she meant
apartment, or it could be something else. I think we should ask for
clarification.
No, that might annoy her, and she hasn't promised us supper
yet.
True.
I wonder what we will have for supper.
Don't change the subject. We need to focus on her e-mail
right now.
You are the one who brought up supper.
What do you suppose she means by "real good?"
What do you care?
Well, I don't, but I was curious.
We do not have time for idle curiosity. She needs an answer
this morning.
How do you know that?
It says, "this morning."
She is talking about Saturday morning.
You are an idiot. She means this morning.
There is no need to get testy; we are all friends here.
Speak for yourself.
No, I speak for myself.
No, I do that. You speak for me.
Don't go down that path! Remember what happened last time.
Pronoun meltdown!
OK. Sorry.
How many Saturdays are going to get together?
Saturday's is possessive. Not Saturdays, plural.
Besides how could Saturdays get together? They are a week
apart.
Well, then who or what is getting together?
Our family.
Oh, yeah. I forgot.
If it is our family, why does the get together belong to
Saturday?
It doesn't. It means that is the day the family is going to
get together. Is English your second language? What is wrong with you?
What difference does it make what day it is, if she is doing
the cleaning this morning?
She doesn't say, but Saturday is two days from now, so who
cares?
I care.
Well, we need to make a decision. She is just sitting there
waiting for us to decide.
If you believe that, you are a bigger idiot than I thought.
I, did you think that?
I can't speak for you.
You isn't here.
Remember what happened last time!
OK. Sorry.
Those in favor, say "Aye!"
That is confusing. When everyone says "Aye," I
think they mean me.
You mean I.
I told you already, you isn't here.
Then why do you keep bringing him up?
I didn't bring up him, you did.
But you isn't here!
Remember!
OK. Sorry.
Those in favor say "Yes" and those opposed say,
"No."
"Yes"
"Yes"
OK, I will report the results to her and authorize her to
proceed.
Why will I do it? Why can't you do it?
You isn't even here. We have talked
about this already.
Did you invite him?
How would I know what you did?
Guys! Guys! Remember last time.
OK. Sorry.
Meeting adjourned.
I am not sure what "meeting adjourned" means in
this context.
Me either.
Y'all are both idiots.
-----------------------------------
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Another fun filled meeting I went to another meeting and took some notes to share. Here is what went right about the meeting, followed by some suggestions for improvement.
What went well:
There was another group of people there to use the same room. I learned a lot about negotiating watching them decide, who was going to get which room. This also delayed the torture for five minutes.
They forgot to bring a power cord for the projector. This delayed the torture for another five minutes while they located a cord.
The meeting was scheduled in such a way as to delay everyone from having lunch on time. This lifted the mood of those in attendance and enhanced the overall feeling of camaraderie.
The charts, stored on a computer in Atlanta or someplace, were sent via internet connection to the local projector. When projected they had type too small to be read from the back of the room, especially when projected against a colored wall instead of a white screen. This relieved the people in the back of the room of the responsibility of following what was being said.
No copies of the charts were provided thus providing everyone relief from the responsibility of remembering anything that was said.
The projected computer charts were too big for the computer screen. The presenter had to scroll up and down and side to side so the audience was not only lost and confused but sea sick. This gave us the feeling of having been on an ocean voyage. It was wonderful. Just like a trip to Bermuda or somewhere.
The computer processes being depicted used labels found internally in the computer program (like MRSQ500) instead of descriptive names that normal people could understand. This allowed the presenter to appear knowledgeable and escape the possibility of anyone correcting his errors. Well, I should say "sound" knowledgeable since the presenter phoned into the meeting.
In some rare instances English descriptions were added, but they used a font so small that even the people in front could not read them. This relieved even the people in front from the responsibility of following what was said.
The lights were turned off thus relieving anyone from the responsibility of taking notes or staying awake.
Someone laid a piece of paper over the cooling vent on the projector. This caused it to overheat and automatically turn itself off. Since the presenter was unaware of this he droned on as if people were looking at the charts just as they appeared on his computer screen. Everyone was too polite to mention it to him.
Since the presenter was not in the room those who were still awake were able to have side conversations without disturbing the presenter's train of thought, if he had one.
Suggestions for improvement:
(Obviously some of these are mutually exclusive)
Have a room large enough for everyone who attends
Project the charts on the ceiling so we can lay down on the floor to look at them. This would make it easier to fall asleep.
Have doughnuts. In fact, have an entire food bar with a variety of dishes so that those who are having a late breakfast as well as those having an early lunch will both find needful items
Have everyone take turns being in the room pretending to listen to the presenter. In this particular meeting we could have covered the time, if each of us attended just 9 minutes and 13.84614 seconds.
Have exercise breaks led by a professional trainer
Show a good movie instead of the charts
Make an audio recording of people whispering, paper shuffling, pens scratching, chairs moving, yawns, and snores. Instead of anyone attending the meeting play the recording. This would give the presenter the idea people were in the room without actually wasting anyone's time.
Have a clown enter the room at random times and dump a bucket of water on someone who is asleep. (Or awake would be OK too, just for variety)
Have a hair cut and manicure while you are sitting there, so that your time is not completely wasted
Use the white board to play Pictionary
Have a "who has the baldest head" contest. Whoever wins gets to leave.
Have a secret word that if anyone says it, a rubber chicken falls down from the ceiling, and dangles an inch from their nose
Write action items on index cards and deal them out at random instead of assigning them to the responsible party who purports to have the necessary expertise.
Restrict all meeting times to 10:15 to 10:45 A.M. on second and fifth Thursdays in months whose names do not begin with J, end with R or include an A.
----------------------------------------
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Meeting Minutes Today, I went to one of those meetings I go to some times where I have no idea what is going on. There were 20 people in the room and the meeting lasted a grueling two hours. The meeting leader asked us to go around the room and give our name and area of expertise. The first person answered with their name and department name. Everyone else followed suit. So much for listening and cooperation, I guess. Not understanding the context of the meeting, I did the same as everyone else. If I had understood what the meeting was about I might have been able to mention an appropriate "area of expertise." Believe it or not, I do have several. They are just not related to anything we do around here.
The meeting purpose and meaning were hidden from me within a fog of acronyms and unfamiliar terminology. There were so many acronyms it sounded like someone was reading at random from scrabble tiles three or four at a time with prepositions and an occasional noun or other word in between. Some of the acronyms included numerals. A few of them were entirely numeric or were made up from a word and a number. Form 87 or Extract 834 or the like. The most frustrating ones were the ones that could be pronounced as if they were a word. For instance, the meeting was half over before I realized DEERS was an acronym rather than a term of affection. Also, acronyms that have other meanings familiar to me were a confusion factor. I'm pretty sure when they kept saying HMS over and over again that they did not mean, "Her Majesty's Ship." Since I did not know what the meeting is about I could be wrong. They could have meant Her Majesty's Ship, but since I heard nothing else remotely British or nautical, I think it is a safe assumption, that they did not.
Some of the nouns and other words used in between the acronyms included, entity, input, output, file, data, technically, update, slide, match, extract, format, window, system, viewable, monthly, weekly, daily, quarterly, database, subsystem. Knowing the meaning of these words did not help me understand them in the context of the acronym fog. Just for extra fun there was the frequent use of pronouns with no identifiable antecedent – us, them, it, etc. Of course the air conditioning unit causing the light fixture to vibrate noisily did not help. For some of the people in the room I would have liked to have been able to turn on closed captioning. For others, I would have liked to have had a mute button.
It was a very friendly meeting. The only sentence uttered that sounded like the speaker was upset was, "SDX is not Medicaid, it is Medicare!" Of course, you can easily see how someone would get upset over that. Or did he say, "SDX is not Medicare, it is Medicaid?" Hmm. I'll have to be careful if I ever bring that topic up around him.
About the first twenty minutes of the meeting seemed to be consumed by a discussion of what a five year old diagram (drawn by no one present) was intended to depict. I'm not sure whether this important point was ever resolved.
I found out half way through the meeting that we had other attendees listening through a speaker phone on the table. They never spoke but when one of them hung up the robot lady said someone had left the conference. I was also told that the meeting had been recorded on audio tape. I guess it was a very important meeting. I am thinking about getting a copy of the tape as a sleep inducing aid.
I watched the other people in the room since there was little else to engage my attention. I noticed that at first only 4 or 5 people did most of the talking. By the end of the meeting there were only 3 people who had not spoken at all. As people became more relaxed they not only talked more but began to relax their body language. One lady sneezed into the collar of her blouse. Another one held a portion of her hair above her head as high as it would go and stuck her tongue out sideways as far as it would go whenever she was thinking hard. These observations made me more self aware. When I am thinking hard I have a tendency to place my palm on the crown of my head with my fingers spread apart as far as the will go as if I am trying to pick a melon from the vine.
People did various things to amuse themselves. Several people doodled. One guy watched the stock market ticker on his lap top. (The Dow dropped another 200 points today.) Another one did a lot of text messaging on his telephone. He looked real serious. I hope everyone is OK. To amuse myself I wrote these notes out in long hand to be typed later.
There were a number of oft used phrases that puzzled me at first. I think I decoded some of them.
Do we need to add or subtract anything?
I thought: Have we completed the math quiz?
But it means: Is this portion of the discussion complete?
I would like to get clarification around …
I thought: I need additional details
But it means: I'm completely confused about …
Is there timing around that yet?
I thought: Has the firing sequence of the spark plugs been adjusted?
But it means: Does it (the antecedent of 'that') have a projected completion
date?
Are we talking ______?
I thought: Are we talking in a language whose name is _______.
But it means: Are we talking about _______?
High level view
I thought: How things look from an airplane or tall building
But it means: I do not understand the details.
Going forward
I thought: Putting the car in a forward gear.
But it means: Let's not dwell on my mistakes of the past.
Transition process
I thought: I could construe no meaning at first
But it means: We are going to stop doing something and
start doing something else.
Technical process
I thought: I could construe no meaning at first
But it means: How the computer system does it.
Business process
I thought: It could not have anything to do with business. We are a government
"entity."
Still do not know what it means
Business model
I thought: (See above.) Also, I did think of a building block set I had as a kid
with which I could construct model office buildings.
Still do not know what it means.
With that being said
I thought: What you said forms a foundation for what I am about to say
But it means: I do not understand what you said, but
here is what I want to say.
Process flow
I thought: I could construe no meaning at first although a picture of a fast
flowing stream came in my mind.
But it means: How we do things.
Knowledge Transfer
I thought: I could construe no meaning at first, although I did think of shipping
encyclopedias by truck.
But it means: Communication
Data item
I thought: A piece of information stored in a computer system
But it means: Any piece of information
Breaking it down
I thought: Intentionally causing a malfunction
But it means: Explaining the details
I think I am hearing
I thought: I am beginning to sense sound waves
But it means: This is how I understand you
My take on that is …
I thought: the profit I realized from that is …
But it means: This is how I understand it …
All encompassing
I thought: Including everything
But it means: Including a large subset of …
Soft solution
I thought: Temporary solution
But it means: Something done with a computer system
Hard solution
I thought: Difficult solution
But it means: Something done without a computer system
Caveat to that
I thought: An exception to that
But it means: I disagree with that nonsense, but I'm
trying to be nice about it.
Take this off line
I thought: Let's unplug the power cord
But it means: Let's continue this discussion outside of this meeting.
Once again
I thought: Repeating for emphasis
But it means: You idiot, didn't you hear me the first time, and I mean this in
the nicest way.
Legacy system
I thought: A vendor's product (i.e. Oracle system, Sun system, IBM system,
Legacy system)
But it means: The old computer system before the one we are currently using.
Please do not think, that you hear, that my successful decoding of some of the oft repeated phrases, means I gained some all encompassing understanding of the meeting as a whole. Breaking it down, nothing could be further from the truth. The caveat to that is that I have no intention of transferring such knowledge to you. I gained neither a high level view nor a business model of the meeting's purpose, import, meaning, or reason for being. However, with that said, going forward, I believe I will be able to get through the transition process unscathed, since I did not sign anything. The rest of what I have to say about the meeting I'm taking off line.
----------------------------------------
Tuesday, April
1, 2008
No Fooling A blog I read described overcoming writer's block using a
million monkeys typing on a million typewriters as a metaphor. The idea was
that if she typed long enough, something worth reading would eventually appear.
She was not advocating evolution theory or anything like it, but this idea is a
psychological button of mine, that when pressed, usually produces a rant like
the following:
There
is an old argument used by evolutionists that if you set a million chimpanzees
typing on a million typewriters for millions of years eventually they would
produce the great American novel. Their argument is based on the mathematics of
statistics and probability and for over a century it seemed unassailable. Turns
out they were wrong. :)
In the
last few years a new branch of mathematics has developed called chaos theory.
Chaos theory is used to mathematically describe randomness. It is very useful
for building computer models for predicting the weather, certain special
effects for movies, etc. It turns out that randomness actually does not exist,
at least not in the way we think of it intuitively. Randomness follows certain
rules. The monkeys will not produce one readable page, let alone a whole novel,
not if they are truly random. The typewriters prevent true randomness because
they force the monkeys to type in straight lines with all the letters oriented
correctly with each other.
Consider
this thought experiment. Imagine taking the three or four lines of your mailing
address and writing each letter, number, and punctuation mark onto one side of
a little block of wood shaped like a cube. Leave the other five sides blank.
Now arrange them on a table top in three or four nice even lines so that your
address can be read. Next sweep them all into a cup and toss them back on the
table top like so many dice. The wooden blocks will form a glob on the table. Do that several trillion times and the blocks of wood will never
form your address again. They will occasionally end up with all the
written faces, face up. They will never arrange themselves in three or four
straight lines, let alone in the correct order to form your address. The reason
is that in God's universe, even randomness, so-called, follows certain laws or
rules. The tossed cubes will always form a glob, never straight lines.
It
turns out all this can be described mathematically. It is over my head. There is probably only a few hundred people in the world, who
completely understand it. However, I became convinced not only by the thought
experiment above, but when I was doing some experiments with my computer trying
to help one of the men in my church understand the Biblical numerology he was
into, was a hoax. It is too complicated to explain here, and this has already
become lengthy, and I fear boring.
I have
done some reading about this and it turns out that mathematically a DNA
molecule is like a set of encyclopedias with each letter, number and
punctuation mark carved on one face of a cube. Neither DNA, nor a novel, can be
reproduced by accident once the cubes that form them have been swept off the
table into a bucket. Mathematically an entire living organism is like the
Library of Congress with each character written on a block, and the monkeys
throwing dice will never produce three readable lines, let alone a book or a
library. This means that it is a mathematical fact that life is not the result
of anything random. The evolutionists are going nuts trying to keep it out of
the public schools. So far the judges involved have all been math idiots, so they
have been successful in keeping it out. But, praise
God, the truth has a way of becoming known.
I
thought this would be an appropriate Atheist Day blog entry.
----------------------------------------
Shopping Trip I went out this morning. Silly me. I had three errands. I had a package to mail to my son, my wife wanted me to buy 3 grocery items for Christmas Eve dinner, and I wanted to see if I could pick up some more copies of the book Every Man's Battle to send to the inmates from the $5 Christian book store.
The grocery store errand went OK (meaning I only had to call my wife for help once) until I came out to get in my car. As I put my groceries in my trunk, I was approached by a haggard looking woman, who probably appeared decades older than she was. My first impression - crack addict. She told me she worked at the MacDonald's on Due West, but when she stopped by the grocery on her way home, she discovered her wallet was missing, and she did not have enough money to buy gasoline to get home to Gallatin. She thought she may have left her wallet at MacDonald's. The lines were well rehearsed, and there was an excellent imitation of a pre-crying quiver in her voice. I did not want to teach her how to lie better, so I did not tell her all the reasons I could see that she was not being entirely truthful.
I'll tell you instead, assuming of course that you are still reading this. Why did she tell me where she worked? Most people would not have bothered to mention where they worked. A person who was really in this kind of trouble would be focused on the trouble, not where they worked, or why they stopped there, or even where they were coming from. They may have mentioned where they were going. If she was telling me the truth she would have started out with the lack of gasoline and lack of money. She had on a MacDonald's cap. People that really work there hate the caps. They certainly do not wear them everywhere they go. She opened her purse, and showed me it was completely empty. Did she only carry a wallet in her purse? It was a cloth purse. Wouldn't she have felt that it was empty when she picked it up? If it was empty, why was she still carrying it around?
I asked her if she had any idea how many times I had been approached in parking lots with that exact same story. I was watching to see what kind of response she gave me. I thought it might still be possible I had misjudged her. Nope - crack addict. She got angry, and said she did not want to argue. She said in a very contemptuous voice, that she was sorry she had bothered me. Then she moved to her next mark, switching back to the pre-crying quiver. Sad.
When I got home from the grocery we discovered that in addition to the three items for which I had been sent, whipped cream and cinnamon rolls had somehow found their way into my grocery bag. my wife thinks I did it, but I feel sure it was the crack head in the parking lot. She was mad at me, and wanted to get me in trouble, so she slipped them in my bag. She doesn't know what an understanding and loving wife I have. I'm not in trouble.
The post office errand went Ok. (Which means there were no fist fights or killings) I got there before they opened, so the line was still pretty short. (By the time I left, there must have been thirty people in line.) The man in front of me was wearing one ear ring, and spoke and acted feminine. I don't like to jump to conclusions, but I did anyway. The lady behind me could not understand, why the post office did not open earlier during the Christmas season, and apparently expected me and the other people standing in line to explain it to her. This led to a discussion about politics between her and the man in front of me. (I know he was a man because he had facial hair. That is still a valid way of making the distinction, isn't it?)
As they began to bash Bush, I started wishing I had something to wrap my head to keep it from exploding. I felt sure my Santa hat was not going to keep it intact. Not that I have any great love for Bush, but the evidence and arguments they used to criticize him were ludicrous, partial quotes, from propaganda only an idiot would believe. I just quietly listened. I did laugh every now and then, but I'm sure they believed I was laughing at their witty remarks, rather than realizing I was laughing at their half-witty remarks. I know it is rude to laugh at people, but I had the head explosion thing to prevent. It got a little better, when they started in on Hillary Clinton, and I realized they were equal opportunity bashers. It was still ignorant blather, but contempt for national politicians in general, was at least a view point I could fully support.
The search for the book went OK. (Which means I got a good parking place) The five dollar Christian book store is in the mall. I got there about twenty after nine and there were still plenty of parking places within reasonable walking distance to the door. The store had a sign on the door that said they were going out of business December 31st. They did not have any of the particular books I was looking for. The prices are very good, and since they were going out of business, I decided to look around to see if there was anything else that might make a good addition to the Love Bible Church Lending Library, before we lost them as a source. The books we send to the jail have to be brand new. For some bureaucratic reason that defies logic, the jail will only accept brand new books mailed from a publisher or book store. (Family Christian Academy Bookstore is kind enough to mail our books and Bibles for us. As an employee of FCA, my wife acts as their agent, so we are able to accomplish this from home. We have a supply of their return address labels.)
At any rate I could not find anything I was confident would be good for my purpose. By the time I got done with my fruitless hunt, the mall had become much more crowded. There was a long line of mostly middle aged men standing in line at the mall gift card counter. They looked lost and woebegone. Someone was waiting to get my parking spot as I left. I may not have gotten what I went for, but at least I had a good parking spot. Also, I was done before the madness became too extreme, thank God.
By the way, there is no MacDonald's on Due West.
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